About Grief

“Losing you was like a hole being dug in my heart and losing myself at the same time”

It is like falling from the heaven to the hell for the bereaved parents or their families to experience the sudden loss of the beloved child. Not only do their self-worth and role being questioned, but also the marriage or family relationship will be affected. Even though they seem like having walked away from the dark, deep inside the bereaved parents’ hearts, they are still being entwined with the experience of pregnancy loss which is covered up by their smiles, together with the tiring, sorrowful, shocking and anxious physical and mental conditions.

Many of the bereaved parents may experience the following reactions:

Emotional reactions

Shocked
Denial
Angry
Grievous
Remorseful and guilty
Blame
Frustrated and helpless

Cognitive reactions

Disbelieve/ denial
Addicted to the yearning of the baby
Difficult to focus
Confused
Feeling the baby still living

Behavioural reactions

Sleepless
Social withdrawal
Losing interest on the activities that they used to love
Cry

Spiritual reactions

Why did I receive this unfair divine punishment?
Why is there no yuanfen between my child and I?
Why did it happen to me?

“Dual Process Model” of Grief

“Why do I still feel the pain when I recall the memory again even if it has been some time already?”

There is no set modes or timetable on the road of bereavement. Everyone will have their unique experiences. The bereaved parents may occasionally recall the pain of the loss on different days or in different situations but they can maintain a normal life and work some times. The on and off are very normal and natural.

Stroebe & Schut (1999) proposed that bereavement is not developed in a one-way and linear process but is oscillating between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented. Life will incline gradually from loss-oriented to restoration-oriented in general. Staying on any of the sides for too long will make it an unhealthy way to cope with the bereavement. We need to balance between the two sides, so as to get used to the grief and move on to the new life.

Loss-Oriented

Keep thinking of the picture of your loss and grief.
Flooded with grievous emotions
Miss the deceased baby strongly
Withdraw from the society
Avoid restoration-oriented experiences

Restoration-oriented

Suppress grievous emotions
Learn new knowledges and skills
Develop new roles and the connections with others
Accept and get used to changes
Avoid loss-oriented experiences

After the death of the baby, the bereaved parents will experience an oscillation between the grievous emotions and the normal daily life. After some time, the life may resume to a stable condition but when it comes to some special days such as the mother’s day, the father’s day or the estimated due date of the baby, many of them will return to loss-oriented status again in which they feel heartbreaking and sad. After that they will resume to normal daily life once again. If the bereaved parents can get through the bereavement in this oscillation with their own pace, the emotional dose and its influences to daily life will decrease gradually and they can get used to the grief.

The grief is originated from the love to the baby from the parents and therefore, every single teardrop or any emotions represent the mourning and love for the baby. Bereavement is a long process and the memory of the baby will become part of the heart, which will accompany the bereaved parents in the rest of their lives. However, the impact of such memory to their lives will decrease with time.

The pain of losing the baby needs time to be got through. You need to understand bereavement and to embrace all the emotions, so that you would know how to live with this pain step by step.

Types of Bereavement

There are many different ways to express grief. To many people, they choose to cry straight away and to express their strong emotions. This refers to “intuitive grieving”. On the other hand, some may cope with grief by cognition or action such as to think and analyse the incident, to arrange for the funeral or to resume work/normal life. This refers to "instrumental grieving” in which people tends to express their feelings less. Please note that both “intuitive grieving” and “instrumental grieving” are equally effective as long as it matches the bereaved person’s inner needs in a comfortable way. But of course a hybrid mode, namely “blended grieving” will be a healthier mode of grieving in which the expression and reveal of emotions are allowed and at the same time the grief and daily life are coped with cognition and action.
(Doka & Markin, 2010)

The way people grieve is affected by a bunch of factors, including their personal traits, developmental background, past experiences, culture and environment. Some people will choose to talk to others while some choose to hide themselves. Some may accept rational analysis and put into practice but some prefer emotional responses and companion. The reaction among the couple will not be always the same after miscarriage and the difference between the their copings sometimes results in a sense of not being understood nor supported. They may think that their partner is not caring or even either “not sad enough” or “too sad”. All these will affect the intimacy.

Honest communication among the partners, understanding the physical and psychological needs of each other, accepting their different copings in grief, may help the bereaved couple getting through of this grievous experience together. Sometimes, by saying “Thank you”, “I love you” or giving a hug, will touch the souls and reconnect each other to face the upcoming challenges.

Understanding your emotional health

I feel tense or 'wound up'

Most of the time

A lot of the time

From time to time, occasionally

Not at all

I still enjoy the things I used to enjoy

Definitely as much

Not quite so much

Only a little

Hardly at all

I get a sort of frightened feeling as if something awful is about to happen

Very definitely and quite badly

Yes, but not too badly

A little, but it doesn't worry me

Not at all

I can laugh and see the funny side of things

As much as I always could

Not quite so much now

Definitely not so much now

Not at all

Worrying thoughts go through my mind

A great deal of the time

A lot of the time

From time to time, but not too often

Only occasionally

I feel cheerful

Not at all

Not often

Sometimes

Most of the time

I can sit at ease and feel relaxed

Definitely

Usually

Not Often

Not at all

I feel as if I am slowed down

Nearly all the time

Very often

Sometimes

Not at all

I get a sort of frightened feeling like 'butterflies' in the stomach

Not at all

Occasionally

Quite Often

Very Often

I have lost interest in my appearance

Definitely

I don't take as much care as I should

I may not take quite as much care

I take just as much care as ever

I feel restless as I have to be on the move

Very much indeed

Quite a lot

Not very much

Not at all

I look forward with enjoyment to things

As much as I ever did

Rather less than I used to

Definitely less than I used to

Hardly at all

I get sudden feelings of panic

Very often indeed

Quite often

Not very often

Not at all

I can enjoy a good book or radio or TV program

Often

Sometimes

Not often

Very seldom

Resubmit

Total score:0

Level of severity：

<6: Normal, you are in good mental health condition

6-9: Mild, you might practice stress management exercises or find someone you trust to talk for emotional ventilation

10-14: Moderate, counselling service from helping professionals (e.g. social workers, counsellors, clinical psychologist or doctors) is needed, and methods for stress management need to be explored

15 or above: Severe, immediate intervention from helping professionals (e.g. social workers, counsellors, clinical psychologist or doctors) is recommended in order to relieve your physical and psychological disturbances